It is interesting how sometimes when we fail, it just rolls off of us, but other times, it sticks like glue. I was thinking about this recently and wondered why. What is the difference between a failure that you can learn from and move on easily, and one that consumes you with shame?
As I thought about it, I realized that the failures that didn’t hit me as hard were failures that were similar to those that occurred to other people in my life. I didn’t feel alone in my failure and that made it easier to move forward. If this person who I respect failed in this way, and recovered and became better because of it, I can too.
How can we intentionally create an environment where we aren’t defined by our failures? I think it comes down to vulnerability. When you’re vulnerable and share your failures, other people feel free to share their own failures as well. We go through life thinking everyone else is perfect because we haven’t been vulnerable enough to share our own failures with others, so they haven’t shared theirs with us.
I did an exercise with some coaching clients recently. I handed them objects to hold in both of their hands, then, I tossed another object. Some of them dropped what they were holding to catch what I threw, and others dodged the thrown object because they didn’t want to let go of what was already in their hands.
When you let go of your shame-based identity, your hands are open to receive the blessings life has for you. If you’re holding tightly to that old failure that has you miserable, you can’t hold the good things! If we give things away, we’re automatically in a posture to receive. We need to give that shame away.
When you let go of your shame-based identity, your hands are open to receive the blessings life has for you. If you’re holding tightly to that old failure that has you miserable, you can’t hold the good things!
For those of us who are followers of Jesus, we know He has already paid the price for everything we’ve done, and by giving away that shame, we validate His sacrifice. When we hang on to that shame, we diminish what He did for us.
Giving always precedes receiving. Recently, I went to a friend’s funeral. Paul was such a giver, he helped others so much that it made everyone want to help him as well. The man who led his funeral service, Brandon, had been blessed by him so much that when Paul had car trouble and needed help, Brandon couldn’t wait to go fix his car. While he was there, they chatted as they worked and Brandon mentioned that he had a fence that needed to be repaired and was asking Paul for advice since he was in construction.
Paul gathered supplies for Brandon and helped him load up his truck before he left. As Brandon drove home, he was thinking about how happy he was that he finally got to help Paul. Then he thought about all the fence-repair supplies in the back of his truck and laughed. Paul was the ultimate giver.
That kind of generosity leads to a very fulfilled life. There were 1200 people at Paul’s funeral because he had touched so many lives with his willingness to give of his time and resources to someone in need. It was more than just a willingness, though. Paul looked for opportunities to give of his time and resources; his giving was proactive and intentional.
Vulnerability is giving. You’re giving away your pride and your ego—that mask we all wear. If you’re not holding your ego and pride tightly in your hands, you can accept gifts, and in doing so you can live the most authentic life.